My life is so strange. What comes easy for most people is hard for me. What comes easy for me is hard for most people. I'm an excellent psychic-medium, straddling our realm and others. I normally handle chaos, trauma and hard times well. Most people don't.
Finding and keeping romantic love? A human experience that comes naturally for most people. Even mass-murderers find it! My parents had it for almost 60 years. My brother and sister found their mates, married, started families before they were murdered at age 26 and 20. Me and love? It's a miracle if a man LIKES me after 3 months!
I know what a romantic love relationship is meant to be. I know what it's not meant to be. Have tons of experience with bad ones. Physical abuse, cheaters, using me for arm-candy or my financial resources. Men who didn't fit my life goals or plans, especially about children. Or I didn't fit theirs. I wanted children. Men who graced my life with a relationship did not.
Then there's my Covid Romance (2020-2022). With a man who worked/works for USAID. Yes. That USAID. He was the closest I felt to real love, and a real relationship. It didn't last long. But it was wonderful. I know what I did wrong: stopped speaking up, communicating. I know what he did wrong: created senseless drama. I loved that man. Last man I will love. For blog purposes, calling him "Rob".
Each time USAID hits the headlines, every 30 seconds, I'm reminded of Rob. And all my romantic mistakes last 40 years. That's the reason for this blog.
Quick info about USAID.
I knew about USAID's darkness since 2010. Long before meeting "Rob" in 2020. Remember the 2010 Haiti earthquake? If you follow me since 2010, you'll remember my Haiti blog. Something felt "off". During that time, I scanned all news - national and international - daily for weeks. Haiti was a mess; not getting international aid; slow clean-up. Food sitting on tarmacs, spoiling. USAID mentioned in 90% articles. If USAID was effective at disaster relief, why was "response" so ineffective? I'm from Hurricane Alley Houston. I know what effective disaster response looks like. USAID was not that. Remote-viewed Haiti back then. Saw USAID organization darkness, Haiti's dark belly of Evil, Clinton's darkness, and some charitys' darkness.
Psychic-sensed USAID was CIA-front for global unrest, not expert Disaster Relief operations. Or maybe it was common sense. If Disaster Relief was their specialty, why weren't they good at it? They made US look terrible. Then Arab Spring and Africa Ebola outbreak happened. USAID and NIH's Fauci mentioned often. Saw evil in Fauci and cloud around both organizations. My "cloud" means lies and fraud. One cloud covering both organizations together: fraud-based alliance.
Every article I read about global unrest or disasters mentioned USAID. Every article about Ebola and other global virus outbreaks mentioned NIH, WHO and Fauci. Sometimes both organizations mentioned in same article. My intuition blended them together. Since 2010. Now we all know why.
Rob worked the Haiti earthquake as USAID Disaster Response, so he said. He also worked Turkey around the time of Arab Spring - as Disaster Response. He said he led the Haiti Disaster Response Team. Not sure if true. If true, he was bad at his job. Of course, I didn't tell him that. When he told me "I work for USAID", I responded "You're a spook! Oh my God. You're a CIA spook." My response shocked him. He expected me to praise him. I asked for proof. Because I had too many romantic liars this life. He gave it. I don't know though. Sociopaths and psychopaths would act the same way. They'd have fake Diplomat passports too. I wanted to believe him. So I did, cautiously.
DOGE, current White House and the whole world knows what I knew in 2010. And what I learned from the Rob. USAID creates global coups, political unrest, helps human, child and sex trafficking. They work with NIH, Military Industrial Complex and other bad actors to fuel fear in the hearts and souls of humanity. For decades. Glad USAID finally got outed.
Now back to romance.
Romantic relationships are the quickest and best ways to grow as human souls. Using your heart and soul energy: expand, feel heart & soul love, and learn about yourself. I've always known that. Romantic relationships also teach us the value of intimacy (physical and emotional), loyalty, teamwork, compromise, communication, and feedback. We're not meant to live alone. We need to couple-up. I've always known that. Knowing, getting, and doing are 5 different animals in the same circus sometimes. At least in my strange life.
Men and women think, feel and see the world differently. That's great! Men are the Yang to our female Yin. A delicate and exciting balancing act and dance. Accepting and respecting our differences. That's how we grow as human souls.
My parents, together almost 60 years before their deaths, made the Yin and Yang dance look easy. They stuck together after Dad's 5-year affair with another woman. They stuck together after losing 80% of our wealth and assets during Texas Oil Bust. They stuck together after my brother and sister were murdered in 1988. They broke the statistical mode. Only 10% couples stay together after death of a child. My parents lost two! At our family shop in Houston. I was the only one left after their murders. I saw how my parents walked their grief paths - together. Until day they died, 30 years later, they stuck together. And loved each other through it all. Quintessential romantic soulmates. Loyal, respectful, playful, loving, honest, comfortable, relaxed spouse team. I always wanted that.
Met many different men. Had 5 actual relationships since 1983. Four ended after 8 months. One lasted about 14 months. Last 40 years, spend most of life alone. Embarrassing but true. An unnatural way to live life on this planet. Not what my heart and soul wanted. Not what my heart and soul intended this lifetime. No matter how many seminars I attended, affirmations I spoke, or books I read, a long-term relationship didn't happen.
At age 60 with a 40-year incompatible romantic history, I'm tapped out. Love won't happen again. Rob was my last. Maybe my mistakes will help other people find and keep love. Finding and keeping romantic love: the main soul reason I reincarnated on this planet. Being a supportive, loving wife. Second reason: Being a supportive, loving mom. I missed the mark on those. Maybe I can help others reach their targets.
The quickest method to finding real love: Be honest. Be you. Express who you are. Let the other person express too. Ask questions. Listen. Pay attention. Respect them and yourself. Keep a boundary around you until they earn your trust. Trust is earned: yours and his/hers. Communicate, speak up. When they do something good and bad. Don't be nasty about it. Feedback: a key component and reason for being a couple. Know how to provide it easily, effectively, sweetly.
Quick Tips
If the other person doesn't honor and respect you, speak up. If they continue disrespecting you, walk away. Love is not disrespectful nor mean. They don't fit you.
If the other person cheats on you, especially early in your relationship, run and don't look back. Real love is loyal. Best "cheater" training: your absence. They don't fit you.
If physical abuse happens, run. Don't return to scene of crime. Love does not harm. If you stay in an abusive relationship, you're "gaslighting" your heart, disrespecting your soul, and wasting valuable time. Why do that? You can't change a person who beats you. They crossed a line.
If you catch the other person lying, speak up immediately. Don't hold it in. Love tells the truth. Love and lies do not, and cannot, co-exist. If you lie to yourself, you're not respecting and loving yourself. If someone close to you lies, they're not respecting and loving you. Little white lies, like hiding a secret gift for them in a closet or garage is OK (eg flowers, birthday and Christmas gifts, etc.).
A good relationship inspires and fuels you. It shouldn't drain you. If you feel drained more than inspired or re-fueled, it's the wrong fit. Go find the right fit.
Once you’re done with someone, it’s done. Your soul remembers and knows. Talking with an ex to rehash the past rarely helps you heal and move on. Unless love still lives between you. Otherwise, it’s “he said, she said” dangerous banter. You don’t need to add more pain or scratch old wounds. Ex’s are Ex’s for a reason. Main reason: no love existed. Why crawl back into that cave. Your soul remembers it all. Have faith that you won’t make same mistakes.
After your final break-up. Don't call, email or text them every day or week. If they don't respond, let it go. Stop bothering them. You're only hurting yourself, keeping the pain of loss "present" in your life. You won't move forward or get what you want that way. Don't hold onto love that did not exist. Mentally rehashing your past mistakes helps no one: especially you. I learned this the hard way, a few times. Close that romantic door and find a new door to open. Trust yourself. Trust your life path. Don't waste your soul's Earth time.
Rob often said "maybe we're together to unf-k each other." Could be true. I'm still unraveling our bizarre relationship f-ups. Piled atop my past f-ups before him. We went from amazing to awful too fast. Did we ever meet up to talk about our f-ups? Twice. I initiated it. Learned it's best to iron out differences and talk when you're still in the relationship. When you both still want it. Not after it's over. When it's over, it's over. One "post-mortem" visit is sufficient, after you both had time to heal.
My Last Romance:
In March 2020, when I saw Fauci speaking at the White House podium about Covid, I knew trouble was coming. I also knew I couldn't handle it alone. Asked God and my Angel Team: "Bring me my real man. FAST!" Started online dating that week. Met many men on physical dates. Good, sweet men. Had great conversations.
Then Rob stepped into my life in June. On our first date, we hiked Sedona's Courthouse Butte Loop trail while talking about life and love. Halfway through our hike, I felt strongly "he's the one". First time getting that vibe so quickly. Had lots of "firsts" with Rob.
Next few weeks, we talked every day and met up once a week. He lived in Prescott, one-hour drive from Sedona. We were effortless, amazing and easy. We both recognized it. My heart and soul expanded around him. I was growing! Felt safe, secure and an inner peace that I never felt with a man. My creativity soared. My psychic gifts blossomed. For the first time in my adult life, I was with a man who respected my spiritual abilities. He wasn't afraid of them. Also the first time that I felt "easy" around a man - not walking on eggshells to please him. We had an easy, in-sync flow. It was wonderful.
My magic and manifesting skills soared. Another first with a man. When we hiked the Grand Canyon, I thought how great if a thunderstorm happened. On my Wish List for years. It did! We huddled under a tarp as thunder rolled across the Canyon. Amazing. Rob said "I hike GC all the time over the years. Even rim-to-rim. Never see condors. Wonder why." One hour later, after storm passed, a California Condor flew to us, floated above our heads, and hovered for a bit. Awesome!
Our combined energy seemed unstoppable. A Power Couple, my Angels called us. Feeling part of a team: simply amazing, magical, wonderful. Every new thing I learned about him, I liked. Every new thing he learned about me - he liked. We were honest, open and excited about being together. His work with USAID didn't phase me. He was grounded from travel when we met. I was glad about that.
When I first moved to Sedona in 2009, my Angel Team often said "Your man lives in Prescott. You'll meet soon." He moved to Prescott one year before I moved to Sedona. I took it as another good sign. But why did it take 11 years? He worked abroad with USAID.
Rob shared his USAID experiences in Haiti, Turkey, Costa Rica. Though "grounded", USAID still held JHOCS conference calls that he attended. I was often at his house during those. They were benign and boring, like FEMA or Red Cross prep calls.
He and I had deep, meaningful conversations. About spirituality, God, the world, politics, science, nature, life in general, our romantic pasts, our life goals, our family and friend history. More meaningful than I had with friends or family. I thirsted for that - for decades. And now here it was! Our talks were so natural and easy. I felt more connected and in love with him as each day passed. I could be me. I could relax. He said the same "We're effortless and amazing together. I can be me around you, Amanda."
Our fourth week together, we talked about finances. "It's good to know how we manage our money. See if we fit there," he said. That seemed reasonable. I revealed mine. He revealed his. He had more wealth, assets and twice my monthly income - from his USAID work and Navy retirement. But I was financially sound, good with money, debt-free, high credit score, comfortable monthly income, almost $200k in investments, beautiful condo with beautiful things, a great car and loved my work. I didn't spend money like water. We matched financially. First time a man asked about that - so soon. I took it as a good sign. If we're going to have a future together, money management is important.
Everything was progressing beautifully. We energized each other. Felt good together. Loved being together. Spent more time physically together every week.
Around Day 45, he created our first drama. He invited an ex-girlfriend to visit him overnight. On my birthday weekend. She didn't know about me. I didn't like it and said so. He got mad. "She's my friend. Don't come between me and my friends. She needs help. You can meet her." I asked him "Can you tell her that I exist before she drives up here?" His response: "No. Then she won't come." That shocked me. Either he was dumb with women, choosing her over me, or he was a brilliant cheater. She arrived the night of my birthday. I spent my birthday with him. He didn't get me flowers or a gift. He forgot. I broke up with him that day - on my birthday.
Experienced too many cheaters in my dating life. I wanted a man who was loyal to me; who wanted a relationship.
The next week, he drove to my house. I rejected his phone calls and texts. He showed up at my house. We reunited.
But every time "Jenny" called, he dropped what he was doing and talked to her. Even if he was with me. I kept asking him to tell her about me. He didn't. When I mentioned how much the "Jenny stuff" bothered me, his taking her calls or her visiting him again, he got mad at me. "But she's an ex, Rob. I don't talk to my exes. I don't like you talking to your exes." He kept talking to her. I started distrusting him.
I messed up. Here's what I should have done. Required him to prove his loyalty before taking him back after my birthday fiasco. I needed proof that he wanted me.
From then on, things went from bad to worse. I talked to friends about it. They had no advice. I learned I chose the wrong friends. My life energy started waning and falling apart.
We attended a Kirtan concert held by one of my friends. I'd never been to a Kirtan. It included chanting. Seemed like no big deal. The concert and chanting felt uncomfortable. Rob fidgeted. I fidgeted. Something was "off." When we left the concert, he said "I saw and sensed Evil there. Why did you bring me there? You exposed both of us to Evil."
Whoa. I didn't pick up on Evil. A very strange vibe did exist. But not evil. I "cleaned" evil from people's homes in the past. I know Evil's vibe. He described what he saw and sensed. I half-heartedly believed him. My instincts said his "Jenny" and "Evil" stuff were ways to get rid of me. Whether consciously or unconsciously. He could've just said "I don't want to see you anymore." And we would've been over. Why build so much drama?
For the next 2 months, he blamed me for the Evil Kirtan experience. He double-downed with "Evil is following you, Amanda. You're no longer protected by God." That was the worst. I always felt protected by God and my Angel Team. He knew that. What was he doing?
Sidenote: Back then, my intuition screamed out: "if you fixed trust issues with "Jenny" stuff, it wouldn't have escalated to Evil. You'd known if he loved or cared about you or not."
I didn't share that intuition with him. I was too busy trying to stop my spinning internal compass. The Evil stuff. The Jenny stuff. I couldn't trust him. Another man I can't trust.
Instead of doing the right thing: breaking up with him for good. I kept seeing or talking to him. And I started losing hope, faith, energy. Meanwhile, Social Media kept cancelling or hiding my anti-Lockdown, anti-Mask, anti-vax posts. I paid $700 for Yelp ads that got cancelled because "Covid restrictions." They didn't refund me that money.
People yelled at me in the grocery stores and on trails - for not masking. Sedona tourism closed. People weren't flying, vacationing to Sedona. Covid lockdowns in most cities. Thankfully Sedona didn't lockdown. But 50-60% tourism decline drastically reduced my monthly income by same amount 50-60%.
I was getting hit from all directions in every area of my life. I knew I couldn't handle Covid alone. I felt all alone. My friends had no answers when I asked for help and suggestions. They're help: "I'm not calling Rob for you. He's pissing me off - how he's treating you. He should know better." If they cared about me, they would've called him, talked some sense into him. Or found out what he was thinking and how he felt about me. Nope.
My life spiraled. Every area affected. My business. Reputation. Spirituality. Friendships. My heart. My soul. My connection and Faith in God. Love. Started losing money with my investments. About $20,000 a week. Moved money around. That didn't help.
When my heart or soul breaks, my money follows. Built that way, noticed that since age 20. My happiness, love, spirituality and money all blend together. They come from same energy source.
Eventually I lost my Sedona condo. Homeless since November 2020, hopping place-to-place at 13 different friends' homes last 4 years.
Rob watched my fall from grace while sitting on the sidelines. He didn't lend me money or help me save my condo. Or give me ideas what to do.
Before leaving my condo, we did make plan that I move in with him. After condo move-out, I did. Spent one week at his house. He criticized me constantly on things I knew how to do. From using his washer/dryer, washing dishes, folding clothes to what cup I used to melt butter in microwave and making homemade brownies that spiked his blood sugar. I couldn't do anything right. It was unbearable.
After that first week, I called a girlfriend and asked to stay with her. Left his house. I couldn't handle his critiicisms. I had lost my home and half my financial security. I didn't deserve to be criticized. I needed sweetness and nurturing.
It wasn't my fault that Covid sliced my monthly income in half. It wasn't my fault that I didn't qualify for Covid assistance. Covid assistance required previous year's tax returns. IRS hadn't processed my returns before they shut down.
I was bleeding money. At same time my heart was breaking. Heartbreaks about my country, my laxed friendships, another failed relationship, no family left on the planet, no home of my own anymore.
I was broken. That first year after leaving his house, jumping place-to-place at friends' homes about 8 times, Rob checked on me. We had nice talks. He never said: "Come back. Let's try again." He didn't offer any help: advice, ideas, or financial. Voyerism, I think. Curious if I rebuilt.
I root. Living in a stable home environment grounds me. Jumping around too much, house-to-house or hotel-to-hotel, exhausts and unsteadies me: heart, mind, body, soul. I need my own home. Lost my home November 2020. No government financial assistance to help me rebuild.
When we first met, I had a great life and stability. In 6 months' time, I lost it all. Including my beautiful home furnishings. Haven't been able to rebuild since. Another first: unable to rebuild wealth after losing it.
Homeless since November 2020, jumping from place-to-place at 14 friends' homes, Rob watched me suffer from the sidelines. We last spoke a year ago. He still got his $10,000/month check from USAID since 2021. The Navy paid off his mortgage balance, so he has no house payment. His house is worth over $800k. He accumulates wealth well. I remember when I was the same way.
Now USAID is closing down. He probably took the "exit package". He often boasted "I help people". His work with USAID and volunteering for our Yavapai Search & Rescue squad. He didn't help me.
I don't hold anything against him. Finding the "best fit" romantic partner is important. It's the most important decision we make. We all make Free Will choices.
What bothers me most. When I needed love, nurturing, support - and asked God for it - I still failed. What bothers me most: feeling unworthy and undeserving of love and good feedback. My 40-year pattern never got busted. Didn't reach my true soul goals. Living a life empty of what matters most. No one on this planet at this time, really knows or understands me. No one knows my full history, character, intimate quirks and strengths. That bothers me most.
During Covid, many people like me "got lost". Most had family, spouses, friends who actually helped them. I didn't have safety nets like that. And no financial assistance from our government, though I pay taxes for it. Living life alone sucks.
Last 2 years, wanted to write my Covid Story. How Covid "broke" me: emotionally, financially, mentally, and almost killed my spirit. How my intuition, psychic abilities, finances, home, social life and soul foundation got mixed up. Confusing my life path in every way (2020-2024), except my work as a Psychic-Medium.
Maybe I will publish a short book about My Covid Story. This blog is basically that.
After experiencing tons of trauma and tragedies this lifetime, mentioned in upcoming memoir "Tragedy & Beyond", I'm still waiting for the good stuff. Life isn't meant to be hard.
No one should experience what I have - alone. From betrayals to domestic violence, surviving homicide, losing my entire family at age 24, losing babies, losing wealth and homes, two Breast Cancer diagnoses, constant romantic rejections, and burying everyone I ever loved by age 53. I did it all - alone. No one on Earth helped or advised me - except my Angel Team.
If you wonder where my Mom was during all my trials and relationship issues, she was physically present but emotional spent. The 1988 murders of my brother and sister and its aftershocks took away her mother's heart and part of her soul. She was a wonderful Mom to me, my brother and sister while we grew up. June Cleaver mixed with Fannie Flag. Murder changes you. Murder changed our family. I became Mom's therapist and emotional punching bag in 1988, at age 24. When I confided in her about my problems, she'd say "Figure it out. I can't handle that today." From the week post-murders and all years following, until her death in 2017. It's not her fault. She did the best she could. I talk more about this in next blog "A Mother's Love." Dad was even more broken than Mom. Murder does that. I had to figure out life - alone. No support from parents or family. You'll read more about that in my memoir "Tragedy and Beyond," releasing some time this year.
No one deserves to experience bad shit alone. We all need love, support, feedback. My life is strange. I'm good at some things - like channeling for clients. Because I'm not actually present during your session. Your Spiritual Team is. I'm horrible at other things - like romance and love.
When you travel life alone, you travel twice the distance as people who travel with a companion.
Namaste -
Robin, Your Sedona Spirit Psychic
